Monday, July 2, 2012

My Brother

This weekend was pretty normal, got rid of my watch that I didn't want anymore (it had some pretty significant wear and tear also) for quite a bit of money, found an effective way to budget, actually got to sit and have a normal meal with DH...I was feeling good.

I even did a bunch of ab stomach hurts today but in a good way. Godbrother insisted that it will make me feel better and help me clear my mind. I agree with that to a degree, but post-abs, enter random unexpected terrible feelings of loss, most specifically about GC brother and my effective mama, life-long babysitter/au pair/whatever you want to call her.

I feel so shitty that I don't know what my brother is up to, even though he is definitely GC and would probably step over my dead body to get what he wanted. It's not even really that I think knowing what he was doing would be gratifying, I just feel like I am such a shit sister for not sacrificing myself to see him happy. This sacrificial lamb thing is very typical of DoNM's and it took quite a bit of reprimanding from DH to get me into a better place. He would have reached out to me, DH insists, or found a way to tell me it was going to be okay in secret. He is so secretive otherwise; he knows how to take the car without them knowing and basically barely get in trouble for anything he does by grossly rubbing NM's and EF's egos. If only I had known how to use this tactic properly, but I can't help being honest and emotionally driven.

So, I'm going to write GC brother a letter, and if he finds it via the way of the internet one of these days, so be it.


The guilt I carry in what I feel was "leaving you behind" is phenomenal. It kills me so often to realize that I don't know what's going on with your exams for college, where you are interested in applying, your fears and excitement about the process, how school is going, what girls you're into for the next 24 hours (which we know happens all the time), etc. The circumstances don't allow me to be the sister I wish I could be.

Nothing can describe the love I wish I could give to you, brother; so many times I've thought of compromising my own happiness to make sure that you had your happiness, your safety, your long and fulfilling life. However, I've come to realize you have a lot of growing to do. I'm not sure if you'll realize one day why I did what I did, but for right now you are interested in your own personal advancement, which clearly means you have to agree with everything that NM and EF say. I am left to do nothing but wait, to see if you are just young and not understanding of the situation, or whether that's really the personality you want to pursue. If that's really how you want to continue, I do not wish to point fingers, but I'll have to remain cut off from you also.

Til then, I am here with my arms open, waiting for you to be my brother, nothing more, nothing less.

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