Damnit.

Well, my blog is definitely not as fun or as optimistic as my godbrother's  blog (Side note: are godbrothers even real, or is he just my friend at this point?). I get poor and I'm whining like a child about it....he gets leukemia and is making everyone laugh.  I feel really stupid now. (Go to his blog at Eff Leukemia)


But really though, I've discovered the severity of this financial bind as everything came to a head with the IL's yesterday. More parental issues to add to the bag. FIL telling DH that he is terrible for all sorts of reasons like his work ethic etc. etc. Too bad he actually has vertigo and doesn't want to do any damage to himself or the materials he works with until he sees the doctor and feels such a sense of embarrassment and feels totally insufficient around him all the time. Maybe DH is SoNF? Fast forward to today, submitted an application for health insurance, but oh! that will take two weeks. Fun. So we're basically stuck in this financial limbo right now where I literally have to allocate every dollar to where it is going to go during the week and that is simply not fun business. He doesn't have the freedom of the money he was making at the moment because he has a hard time moving his head too quickly! Gahhh!  However, I found a budgety-type spreadsheet on The Peaceful Mom's website that is going to help me do that. Between the both of us, after I pay for all of the nonsense I have to pay for to play catch up, we have like, $100 each which is tolerable but also ridiculous for grown adults. I had to take this job at the salary I did because times are tough and the economy is a piece of shit.


Hopefully the savings will start adding up and I'll have to worry less. I don't even know where to begin with my worries right now. I feel like I did when I was living with my parents all of a sudden. And that's never good.

Money, money, money

So, in the past couple of days I've had to think a lot about my financial situation, as I've mentioned. I come from a place where things were essentially handed to me (although it was in exchange for reverence and fear), and so ultimately I've found myself in a very weird situation. I am a grown adult and I have no idea what I'm doing in terms of budgeting myself besides general intuition on how much to spend (and not to spend). This is not an effective process for a couple that was forced into debt thanks to a really sticky situation. Something has got to change, it has to give. I really find discussing my financial situation pretty uncomfortable, simply because society tells you it's something you're really not supposed to talk about -- You're not supposed to let people know you're sad or struggling or in need of some kind of guidance. However, I think it's necessary to discuss my confusion and fears and how I plan on going about the things I have to take care of to make myself better in the head, in the pocket, and all around. So, be prepared for me to lay it all out on the line.

We're living with my IL's right now, and even though I like them, it totally sucks. They think it sucks too. It causes unnecessary stress because I feel grateful and simultaneously strangled by their constant presence, and this cacophony of emotions makes me one moody-ass beeotch. It makes DH stressed which makes HIM a moody-ass beeotch. That makes IL's upset, and so ensues a massive whirlwind of upset. This causes emotional strain between us, and we all know that is not a good thing for a recently married couple, or for any couple for that matter. Sometimes we can get away to my BIL's house and that somewhat recharges our batteries, but for the most part I'm living in super stressed conditions thinking about all this stuff. Moral of this long nonsense? We need to move out. Moving out costs money, and quite a bit of it.

DH is working with SIL's fiancee but has had this vertigo thingie that is making it hard for him to work. Without his income, we go nowhere because I am making like, $17/hr during a regular 40 hour work week and that just isn't enough to get us out in time. I just started working like, three weeks ago so that SURELY isn't enough to get us out in time. However, I need to get health insurance ASAP so he can go to the doctor and get to working again. Bye bye, more money!

This then leads me to being reminded of the cat I have that I REFUSE to get rid of (she was my first baby and will be with me until she dies! No shelters allowed!). I was FORCED to get rid of the dog due to the stressful conditions (given to a family friend, so I'm not really concerned with where he ended up, at least). I am also barraged with cell phone bills and credit card debt along with DH's child support debt (8 year old, we'll get to her at another point) and some outstanding hospital bills.

Let's throw in that he didn't file taxes last year by accident.

I am getting knots in my stomach and tight in the chest even writing about this.

I can't take thinking about this all at once, so I'm going to make a spreadsheet tonight and budget us in a proper way so we can figure out more effectively how to tackle this, because I think I may jump off a bridge thinking about it if I don't.

We need to come up with the money to live in a comfortable and stable manner. I don't care if I have to take a job on the weekends for now. What has to be done, has to be done. Fortunately, I don't have kids of my own yet to worry about, and DSD (dear step-daughter) gets help from her mama. I will keep you updated on how I go about this issue; if you have any suggestions, let me know.

One Step Forward, Two Steps Back

I haven't been posting over the past month or so because other things were occupying my mind. I figured that filling my brain with my goals, both short and long term, would help me drown out the constant noise in the back of my head reminding me that I have major mommy issues. I tried to think about making money, learning the roads in the area, and preparing for all sorts of events that DH and I have come up with to fill our time. Although my technique was moderately effective, there are still many moments where my feelings of hurt, guilt, and simple depression left me paralyzed. The worst part is, because I do not understand its origin as I did when my parents were overtly exerting control in my life, I end up trying to decipher the cause and find the hours drifting away as I try to "figure myself out". How can things bother me when they're not even actively there? That seems ridiculous. As the title suggests, I feel like every time I take a step forward, there is something in my way that tries to force me to take two steps back. I've had varying results with allowing it to successfully happen and feel I need to stick to this medium (meaning mindlessly blogging) to allow myself to progress (on many grounds: personal, emotional, financial...but I'll get to that.)

On to the important things:

I have a new co-worker who is a doll. Thankfully, I started working recently and assumed it would help me get my mind off of things. Get to work, spend hours and hours filing things and go home only to discover you've successfully wasted eight hours without blinking. Unfortunately, my co-worker and I are left alone a lot of times without order or direction, so we often find ourselves playing solitaire, listening to music, and, of course, discussing the intricate workings of how we got to where we are now. Of course the mommy issues had to drop in to conversation because my co-worker is too friendly and lets me talk about whatever I want. Somehow, I always end up disclosing it. In defense of the fact that people don't just lay it all out there right away, I've made the situation sound a lot more muted and tame than it has been. HOWEVER, it always sets the gears in my head a' turnin' and I am constantly left losing every game of Spider Solitaire because I can't get off the fact that I feel like an asshole for not knowing what colleges my brother is looking at or how my mom is feeling today, etc. There just isn't another way around it. I'm unhappy when I know, and I'm unhappy when I don't know. Blah. Proceed to waste the whole day staring at the wall and growing tired enough to fall asleep as soon as I get home. DH does not like this cycle.

(I don't know why I'm even upset about my brother, considering he has already called me a traitor plenty of times and is eyeing up my parents' money and is patiently waiting for the inheritance he will surely acquire sooner rather than later. Considering his total academic apathy, he might not even go to college. He'll just take over my parents business and burn the entire place to the ground in a couple of months.) Flip flopping? As per usual, poor child, as usual.

Today the issue has been raised in my mind because my husband called me at work saying he fell off of a ladder because the vertigo he has had for a few weeks got really bad and made him lose his balance. Of course I am now an emotional wreck from the fear that has overtaken me...why the vertigo? Is he injured? Is this an injury we'll hear about tomorrow? I've become a mess trying to think about why the vertigo would linger....an ear infection? The beginning stages of MS? This is how my mind works. Anyway, we're in a transition period and have a lot of financial planning to do, and I've been looking into health insurance policies, but of course we don't have one right now. Life has to work like that, doesn't it. I got to thinking about how his parents have given us money to make sure we were stable and productive without really second guessing it. My parents are blessed with being able to afford all of life's luxuries and then some, and I can't call and ask for help for him (really for *us* if you think about it)...their daughter's husband. Someone I truly and openly have admitted love for. In fact, I don't think there is anything I can call about anymore without some sort of miserable barrage of bullshit unless it begins with, "you're right, my husband and I are not together any more, can I move in with you?" Yeah, not going to happen. Thinking about this makes me miserable. Now my hands are shaking and my heart rate feels like I just ran a marathon. This cannot be good for me.

I just feel like my mind is so cluttered from the memories I hold. They prevent my mental clarity and definitely cause a lack of focus. If I think about the carcass of my relationship with my parents, I lose typing speed, I misfile things, and I can't remember where I put things, etc. It's just a shame that they're still fucking with me...what's strange is that they don't even know they're doing it anymore.