Yesterday, I was given a blessing. My aunt and uncle offered to help me absolve my credit card debt in one sign of a pen. They also let me know they'd cosign on an apartment with DH and me/pay for deposit and first month's rent so we can get a move on with our life and start saving money for things that matter like buying a house (instead of playing catch up for the next 10 years with my bills). This was supposed to be a very exciting time. With my PTSD and intense need to fall back into the attitude of a DoNM in mind, though, you can imagine this was a lot for me to bear.
I feel like I asked for too much and like I'm really undeserving of anyone's help.
I feel like I'm being greedy and playing a victim that needs a handout.
DH did not appreciate my negative attitude in a time where I should be overflowing with great joy. We talked about how it is instinct for me to feel guilty when I receive help because that's how my NM made me feel like I was supposed to be. Most importantly, however, he told me the only way to recover from what is happening to me is to stop taking the mindset of a victim.
Although his tough love is necessary, I feel like I'm not there yet. Like I just put this on the top shelf and forgot about it, instead of actually acknowledging all of the things that have happened to me and how I feel about NM/the situation. If I can't define how I'm feeling, I can't get over it.
I have to read Dr. McBride's book "Will I Ever Be Good Enough?" again and continue to write about how I'm feeling to really approach recovery. Maybe then I can finally tell myself that I deserve love and kindness and I can start feeling happy.
Has something like this ever happened to you?