Wednesday, June 27, 2012

One Step Forward, Two Steps Back

I haven't been posting over the past month or so because other things were occupying my mind. I figured that filling my brain with my goals, both short and long term, would help me drown out the constant noise in the back of my head reminding me that I have major mommy issues. I tried to think about making money, learning the roads in the area, and preparing for all sorts of events that DH and I have come up with to fill our time. Although my technique was moderately effective, there are still many moments where my feelings of hurt, guilt, and simple depression left me paralyzed. The worst part is, because I do not understand its origin as I did when my parents were overtly exerting control in my life, I end up trying to decipher the cause and find the hours drifting away as I try to "figure myself out". How can things bother me when they're not even actively there? That seems ridiculous. As the title suggests, I feel like every time I take a step forward, there is something in my way that tries to force me to take two steps back. I've had varying results with allowing it to successfully happen and feel I need to stick to this medium (meaning mindlessly blogging) to allow myself to progress (on many grounds: personal, emotional, financial...but I'll get to that.)

On to the important things:

I have a new co-worker who is a doll. Thankfully, I started working recently and assumed it would help me get my mind off of things. Get to work, spend hours and hours filing things and go home only to discover you've successfully wasted eight hours without blinking. Unfortunately, my co-worker and I are left alone a lot of times without order or direction, so we often find ourselves playing solitaire, listening to music, and, of course, discussing the intricate workings of how we got to where we are now. Of course the mommy issues had to drop in to conversation because my co-worker is too friendly and lets me talk about whatever I want. Somehow, I always end up disclosing it. In defense of the fact that people don't just lay it all out there right away, I've made the situation sound a lot more muted and tame than it has been. HOWEVER, it always sets the gears in my head a' turnin' and I am constantly left losing every game of Spider Solitaire because I can't get off the fact that I feel like an asshole for not knowing what colleges my brother is looking at or how my mom is feeling today, etc. There just isn't another way around it. I'm unhappy when I know, and I'm unhappy when I don't know. Blah. Proceed to waste the whole day staring at the wall and growing tired enough to fall asleep as soon as I get home. DH does not like this cycle.

(I don't know why I'm even upset about my brother, considering he has already called me a traitor plenty of times and is eyeing up my parents' money and is patiently waiting for the inheritance he will surely acquire sooner rather than later. Considering his total academic apathy, he might not even go to college. He'll just take over my parents business and burn the entire place to the ground in a couple of months.) Flip flopping? As per usual, poor child, as usual.

Today the issue has been raised in my mind because my husband called me at work saying he fell off of a ladder because the vertigo he has had for a few weeks got really bad and made him lose his balance. Of course I am now an emotional wreck from the fear that has overtaken me...why the vertigo? Is he injured? Is this an injury we'll hear about tomorrow? I've become a mess trying to think about why the vertigo would ear infection? The beginning stages of MS? This is how my mind works. Anyway, we're in a transition period and have a lot of financial planning to do, and I've been looking into health insurance policies, but of course we don't have one right now. Life has to work like that, doesn't it. I got to thinking about how his parents have given us money to make sure we were stable and productive without really second guessing it. My parents are blessed with being able to afford all of life's luxuries and then some, and I can't call and ask for help for him (really for *us* if you think about it)...their daughter's husband. Someone I truly and openly have admitted love for. In fact, I don't think there is anything I can call about anymore without some sort of miserable barrage of bullshit unless it begins with, "you're right, my husband and I are not together any more, can I move in with you?" Yeah, not going to happen. Thinking about this makes me miserable. Now my hands are shaking and my heart rate feels like I just ran a marathon. This cannot be good for me.

I just feel like my mind is so cluttered from the memories I hold. They prevent my mental clarity and definitely cause a lack of focus. If I think about the carcass of my relationship with my parents, I lose typing speed, I misfile things, and I can't remember where I put things, etc. It's just a shame that they're still fucking with me...what's strange is that they don't even know they're doing it anymore.

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