Brief.

This post has to be brief because I have some things going on at work, and I have a whole bunch of budgeting and planning to do.

DH and I found a place to live yesterday that is actually PERFECT but is stretching the budget in ways that are profound. We're going to try to make it work by making sure both of us pick up enough work time to cover everything we have to cover.

Like I've mentioned before, I'm going to get some assistance from my aunt and my uncle who live close to where we're living, and that help is going to make such a difference in so many ways.

Stay tuned for budgeting and photos, etc.

Sorry to be so quick!

Guilt, Revisited

Yesterday, I was given a blessing. My aunt and uncle offered to help me absolve my credit card debt in one sign of a pen. They also let me know they'd cosign on an apartment with DH and me/pay for deposit and first month's rent so we can get a move on with our life and start saving money for things that matter like buying a house (instead of playing catch up for the next 10 years with my bills). This was supposed to be a very exciting time. With my PTSD and intense need to fall back into the attitude of a DoNM in mind, though, you can imagine this was a lot for me to bear.

I feel like I asked for too much and like I'm really undeserving of anyone's help.

I feel like I'm being greedy and playing a victim that needs a handout.

DH did not appreciate my negative attitude in a time where I should be overflowing with great joy. We talked about how it is instinct for me to feel guilty when I receive help because that's how my NM made me feel like I was supposed to be. Most importantly, however, he told me the only way to recover from what is happening to me is to stop taking the mindset of a victim.

Although his tough love is necessary, I feel like I'm not there yet. Like I just put this on the top shelf and forgot about it, instead of actually acknowledging all of the things that have happened to me and how I feel about NM/the situation. If I can't define how I'm feeling, I can't get over it.

I have to read Dr. McBride's book "Will I Ever Be Good Enough?" again and continue to write about how I'm feeling to really approach recovery. Maybe then I can finally tell myself that I deserve love and kindness and I can start feeling happy.

Has something like this ever happened to you?

Reaching Out and my Graduation Party

I've been hoping that this blog will serve as a connection for suffering DoNMs that find solace in knowing they are not alone. I'm hoping to hear similar stories to mine about how your NM or NF ruined your day or your wedding or your graduation. I'm hoping to hear about the constant burden of your own thoughts on your happiness. We truly aren't alone in this journey, and I think knowing that others are going through the same thing is relieving, to say the least.

 I'm going to start off with a story, and maybe you'll hear in it a story that sounds almost like yours and you can share yours.

When I graduated from college, my NM *insisted* we had to have a party (note: this party happened about a year later when things were "more convenient for her"). I, having graduated early, insisted it was not necessary to coordinate any big festivities as I was already working and really didn't have the time or energy to really involve myself in planning a party I would like (note 2: a graduation party is supposed to be in the style the graduate would like). So of course she decided to take matters into her own hands and coordinate the entire thing herself, and ultimately therefore to her own personal liking at not mine. I figured this would have happened anyway, whether I was an interested party in this or not, so I decided to not really care and just let her N not affect my daily business.

She ended up deciding to throw the party at an EXTREMELY fancy NYC establishment that is stuffy and reminds me of old Italian people and general snootiness. The walls are oak-paneled and whittled cherubs and acanthus leaves line the walls (along with gold-leafed crap and marble fireplaces...you catch my drift.) Anyone would tell you this was in direct contrast to any party I had envisioned, which would have probably included a tent, a backyard, and a LOT of Bacardi Mojito. I had to comment on my general discontent with this place, as I was hoping to invite friends and not all of them can afford the kind of gifts or attire a place like this establishment would suggest...a lot of them wouldn't come simply on the fact that it was too uppity for them. This was a problem my NM was anticipating, and probably reveled in excitement that I could only invite my seemingly wealthy friends who would give me gifts. Perhaps one of my rich male friends would even propose. Who knows how her mind works...I digress.

I was dating DH at the time and he had moved up to be with me in NY. Clearly, after all of the negative things she had heard about him through a mutual friend trying to be a horrible person, he was not going to be invited. He couldn't afford a proper suit anyway, she must have thought! The issue with the fact that I was going to be forced to leave him at home is something that still eats at him to this day.

When it came time for music, I knew I had it in the bag. My long time friend is a DJ (and even fits into her rich kid category!) and I was hoping he'd coordinate the music so I could at least tolerate the night. At this point, NM's N energy was on full-blast and she hired her own live band who play exclusively old time music with a focus on Sinatra. I think I wanted to die at this point. I wasn't able to choose the food, my guests, the drinks, my outfit, the music....NM didn't even care that I was unhappy. Think of the gifts, she'd tell me. Yeah, they were the only reason I was going to go. I was going to get the money and the items and pay off my debt and perhaps have a little surplus to survive until I got the hell out of there.

Fast forward to the actual night when I was forced to kiss DH goodbye and see his misery (I REALLY didn't want to cause massive commotion and not show up to my own party), and reluctantly endured the misery of mingling with people that make my stomach turn. Thankfully, there were a few people there that were enjoyable (coworkers, godbrother, one cousin), but besides that, it was the executed plan on NM in all of her glory. This was a fancy cocktail event from hell. It was a gathering of old rich people who liked to rub each others egos -- my NM and EF's lawyers, accountants, and wealthy friends. I could have thrown up. The music was horrible and I couldn't hide my disgust from them. I left as quickly as I could (NM had had a little bit to drink so she was a little more normal), and when she asked me how I liked the "amazing party she threw for me", I told her what I felt. I had a miserable time, I came for the gifts, and it is a shame that she can't get her ego together and let her children have their glory. Clearly that did not go over well with her, and her frustration with the fact that I could not be what she wanted culminated in that night. Since then, she has been plotting my eviction, a breakup between me and DH (didn't work so well!!), and my financial instability that would potentially drive me into the ground (again, didn't work so well!).

I probably should have stood up for myself more effectively, but I've learned a few things since then as my relationship with DH and his family has developed.

Do you have a story about your NM or NF's ridiculousness?

Check out this ridiculous family photo. It's like the mafia rebirth.

Grandmom and My Refreshed Lesson

DH and I went to spend some time with DH's grandmother this weekend. (MIL's mom). After getting into way too much conversation about her new chihuahua and his adorable mannerisms (aka the boring stuff you talk about when you're first spending time with someone), finally we made it into conversation about her past and the memories she has of being a wife, raising a family, the kinds of jobs she has had, her parents and growing up in war times, etc. They were the real stories of people (including herself) who have suffered through ups and downs, happiness and poverty, youth and age, single life, children, the whole nine yards. Let me tell you: I soak this kind of stuff up. I love old people, even the cranky ones. I told DH and I will repeat myself over and over again, I could sit with her all day and listen. It's like a time machine...only cuter.**

Like she told me the story of how her father had to change jobs and moved from a tin manufacturing plant to a weapons making facility for the war and how that changed his income and sense of family structure...how the war directly affected this community and her family. He was a good man but he grew tired after the war came. She told another about  how she worked operating a switchboard and how she loved the sense of independence she got from having her own career even though it changed the relationship between her and her husband. I could go on and on, but the woman has just told so many stories this weekend, I can barely keep track! What made it even better was the fact that she took out all her jewelry, clothes and photos and showed them off with so much pride. One necklace she still has was a gift that her father gave to her mother the day she was born because she was their first child -- that necklace is 80 years old! We were there until around 10pm on Saturday AND Sunday (we came back to help her move her bed), and even then I didn't want to leave!

It's just different than what I'm used to, though, because she didn't show things off because of their value, but because they were really meaningful to her in a way that has stuck over many decades. In my family, it is custom to show things off because they were expensive or made some indication toward their wealth (ie their rarity, the fact that xyz celebrity from who knows when owned the same thing). This was definitely not the same thing. Even my own grandmother who I admired for her confident attitude, beauty, style and grace was definitely a severe N. No wonder it rubbed off on my own mother -- her mother taught her that the woman, while center of the household, is also center of the universe in compensation for her actions. What ridiculousness. 

DH's grandmom showed me things that she was proud of because she loved them or because they made a positive gesture towards her children and grandchildren. She collects porcelain dolls and Barbies that she finds pretty, and people have given her some over the years to add to her collection as well. It was an excellent change of pace that definitely reminded me that I have a new family to love.

She even gave me her reproduction of the 1960's Solo in the Spotlight Barbie, the only reproduction that has come out since then. I don't even care about its value, it must be such a tough thing to part with your collection and fear that it is going into hands that don't understand its meaning. I am so thankful and plan to keep that in my room or my little girl's room (if I ever have one, I hope and pray that it's not for a while!)

We even talked about crocheting and I'm going to practice and try to make her a blanket in return for the Barbie, I think that would be a nice gesture.

Anyway, I was reminded that money has nothing to do with the impact and legacy you can leave for people (right now she lives almost exclusively on her social security income, etc.), and there are just some people who can't help but spread their cuteness and people take advantage of that. People forget that she just wants company and wants to share her memories--some unnamed individuals sit and keep their ears open while their eyes are on the goods she may leave them when she passes. I choose not to live that way. I was also reminded of why I love DH because it was just instinct for him to help her (getting her bedroom rearranged to get more AC circulating around, buying her groceries, closing some unused vents, etc.) and that need in him isn't going to get extinguished because he is tired. He expects nothing in return except love from his family and I plan on extending that to our relationship for a long time.

It is just these little things that keep me on the right track.

Stay tuned for my terrible attempt at crocheting. ;)

**Cuteness in old people comes from the fact that a) they hobble b) they say things like, "golly gee!" and "dag nammit!" and c) their ears are big, to name a few.

Damnit.

Well, my blog is definitely not as fun or as optimistic as my godbrother's  blog (Side note: are godbrothers even real, or is he just my friend at this point?). I get poor and I'm whining like a child about it....he gets leukemia and is making everyone laugh.  I feel really stupid now. (Go to his blog at Eff Leukemia)


But really though, I've discovered the severity of this financial bind as everything came to a head with the IL's yesterday. More parental issues to add to the bag. FIL telling DH that he is terrible for all sorts of reasons like his work ethic etc. etc. Too bad he actually has vertigo and doesn't want to do any damage to himself or the materials he works with until he sees the doctor and feels such a sense of embarrassment and feels totally insufficient around him all the time. Maybe DH is SoNF? Fast forward to today, submitted an application for health insurance, but oh! that will take two weeks. Fun. So we're basically stuck in this financial limbo right now where I literally have to allocate every dollar to where it is going to go during the week and that is simply not fun business. He doesn't have the freedom of the money he was making at the moment because he has a hard time moving his head too quickly! Gahhh!  However, I found a budgety-type spreadsheet on The Peaceful Mom's website that is going to help me do that. Between the both of us, after I pay for all of the nonsense I have to pay for to play catch up, we have like, $100 each which is tolerable but also ridiculous for grown adults. I had to take this job at the salary I did because times are tough and the economy is a piece of shit.


Hopefully the savings will start adding up and I'll have to worry less. I don't even know where to begin with my worries right now. I feel like I did when I was living with my parents all of a sudden. And that's never good.

Money, money, money

So, in the past couple of days I've had to think a lot about my financial situation, as I've mentioned. I come from a place where things were essentially handed to me (although it was in exchange for reverence and fear), and so ultimately I've found myself in a very weird situation. I am a grown adult and I have no idea what I'm doing in terms of budgeting myself besides general intuition on how much to spend (and not to spend). This is not an effective process for a couple that was forced into debt thanks to a really sticky situation. Something has got to change, it has to give. I really find discussing my financial situation pretty uncomfortable, simply because society tells you it's something you're really not supposed to talk about -- You're not supposed to let people know you're sad or struggling or in need of some kind of guidance. However, I think it's necessary to discuss my confusion and fears and how I plan on going about the things I have to take care of to make myself better in the head, in the pocket, and all around. So, be prepared for me to lay it all out on the line.

We're living with my IL's right now, and even though I like them, it totally sucks. They think it sucks too. It causes unnecessary stress because I feel grateful and simultaneously strangled by their constant presence, and this cacophony of emotions makes me one moody-ass beeotch. It makes DH stressed which makes HIM a moody-ass beeotch. That makes IL's upset, and so ensues a massive whirlwind of upset. This causes emotional strain between us, and we all know that is not a good thing for a recently married couple, or for any couple for that matter. Sometimes we can get away to my BIL's house and that somewhat recharges our batteries, but for the most part I'm living in super stressed conditions thinking about all this stuff. Moral of this long nonsense? We need to move out. Moving out costs money, and quite a bit of it.

DH is working with SIL's fiancee but has had this vertigo thingie that is making it hard for him to work. Without his income, we go nowhere because I am making like, $17/hr during a regular 40 hour work week and that just isn't enough to get us out in time. I just started working like, three weeks ago so that SURELY isn't enough to get us out in time. However, I need to get health insurance ASAP so he can go to the doctor and get to working again. Bye bye, more money!

This then leads me to being reminded of the cat I have that I REFUSE to get rid of (she was my first baby and will be with me until she dies! No shelters allowed!). I was FORCED to get rid of the dog due to the stressful conditions (given to a family friend, so I'm not really concerned with where he ended up, at least). I am also barraged with cell phone bills and credit card debt along with DH's child support debt (8 year old, we'll get to her at another point) and some outstanding hospital bills.

Let's throw in that he didn't file taxes last year by accident.

I am getting knots in my stomach and tight in the chest even writing about this.

I can't take thinking about this all at once, so I'm going to make a spreadsheet tonight and budget us in a proper way so we can figure out more effectively how to tackle this, because I think I may jump off a bridge thinking about it if I don't.

We need to come up with the money to live in a comfortable and stable manner. I don't care if I have to take a job on the weekends for now. What has to be done, has to be done. Fortunately, I don't have kids of my own yet to worry about, and DSD (dear step-daughter) gets help from her mama. I will keep you updated on how I go about this issue; if you have any suggestions, let me know.